The Waiting Game

The Waiting Game

They cancelled my surgery and now I just wait

For that much needed call and a brand new date.
I know all the rules, there'll be nothing to eat

I'll be permitted clear fluids, but no food or meat.

I was so stressed before, but now it's a breeze
I know what to expect, I'm relaxed and at ease
My clothing will be placed in a bag with my name
I'll make myself comfy while I'm waiting again.

As this is important I'll be as clear as can be
 Time is on your side, but it isn't for me
So the surgeon I get please choose mine with care
I don't want him to stop if there's still cancer there.

And when I wake up I know there'll be pain
And your eyes will tell me if it's all been in vain
Maybe someday when cancer's lost its control
 We will all look forward to just growing old.

I Could Just Scream!

I Could Just Scream

After all the sleepless nights, worrying yet anticipating the surgery yesterday, what happens?

They CANCEL it!!  I'm told the surgeon is behind, needs more time with the prior patient and so I am

apologized to, then asked to get dressed and go home.....just minutes before I expected to be wheeled into surgery!  You've got to be kidding me!  I just got psyched up for this and now it's over.  I feel numb, bewildered and to put it mildly, upset.  I have to get dressed in a hurry and get out of that little room because I know the tears are 'right there'.

Let's Go!

Now I wait for another appointment.....sigh

Cut It Out

Cut It Out

I've had several surgeries throughout my life and never really gave them a second thought.  Today is different though.  You see, in the past I never had cancer so there was nothing to really stress about.  Now that I do, my fear level is elevated  even though I tell myself that I'm being silly....

Today at 2:10 the surgeon is going to remove as much cancer as he can find and that's a good thing.  I wish he could get it all, but that isn't likely, so I hope he finds and removes even more than he anticipated.  That would be good....not as good as finding out that it's all been a bad dream, but still good.

The rest I will leave up to God, my Father in heaven who loves me unconditionally, knows my fears, never changes and is always there.

I can't imagine where I would be without Him.

Flowers For Grama

                                                            

Flowers For Grama

This glorious day was created for me

The sadness has gone gifting me to be free

it gathered my tears and held them at bay.

My eyes now delight in the joys of today

Cancer Chat

Cancer Chat Day

Well today is cancer chat day.  Once a week I go online and talk to other women that have ovarian cancer. I think it’s supposed to be helpful, therapeutic and a source of information, and often it is.  Other times it is just simply sad when you find yourself carrying the pain of others.

There are women in every stage with some just beginning, others in the middle while a few are nearing the end where they are making major decisions, such as am I sufficiently mobile or well enough to stay at home? Or is it time for me to move into a hospice facility?

I must admit that sometimes I find it depressing.  It feels as though each of is is on death row.  We’re in the appeals process but running out of appeals.   At some point they’re going to say there’s nothing more they can do. You don’t know exactly when that’s going to take place, but you know it’s coming and you're scared it will be sooner than later.

Sometimes it’s hard to smell the roses…..

You Lift Me Up

You Lift Me Up

I stop a moment to see the beauty

In the things you have made

The sun warms my face

and the grass cools my feet

I rest in stillness and breathe,

And as my mind pauses to consider you

My fears are set-aside

For when my heart lifts you up

in quiet thankfulness

awed by the beauty that I see

My spirit is also lifted

Alive

Alive

I’ve lived longer than some

Yet less than others

I’ve lived better than many

Yet worse than a few

I’ve learned from my past

And cherish my todays

My dreams for tomorrow

Now dwindle and fade...

Don't Forget Me

Tick Toc Tick Toc

My life seemed mundane until I was told

That chances were I'd never grow old

A cell has changed and now I have cancer

1. “Can you cure it?” I asked, and “No” was the answer

Tick tock tick tock

The hands are spinning on the clock

It seems so surreal and all a mistake

Sleep eludes me at night, fear keeps me awake

Surrounded by loved ones yet I feel so alone

My cancer is terminal and a cure is unknown

Tick tock tick tock

The hands are spinning on the clock

I have my Oncologist and he’s aware of my fears

He offers me hope, perhaps months, maybe years

And now I'm on chemo it drips into my veins

It’s all about living and the time I will gain

Tick tock tick tock

The hands are spinning on the clock

I completed my schedule, and I paid the price

And my months of chemo was a roll of the dice

I'd hoped for remission, but soon I would see 

Remissions for the lucky, but I guess not for me.

Tick tock tick tock

The hands are spinning on the clock

My time is now precious, as I know it will end

I share it with loved ones and on those I depend

But unless there’s a miracle, I’ll soon say goodbye

Released from this body yet still asking "Why?"

Tick tock tick tock

The hands are spinning on the clock

Don't Forget Me

I Care

I Care

I heard you today
and my heart felt it knows you

And so it should, for

are we not sisters too?

Our feet share the same path

For if I am behind as you near the end

 Or I am further ahead as you begin

we still walk as one, both sisters and friends