A Little Turtle

A Little Turtle

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer and after hearing the news she claimed to feel like a little turtle.  Oh how I understand!  When the thread of hope you're hanging onto is threatened, your mind finds a quiet place to hide in order to obliterate what you're hearing.   We have a way of protecting ourselves from processing the unimaginable.

When you have an aggressive disease with a poor prognosis, you hesitate to make plans that are 'down the road'.  You're conscious of the fact that you probably won't be around to fulfill them.  But it’s December and Christmas is only a few short weeks away and I am thinking PLEASE let me enjoy this Christmas!  I don’t want to be sick like I was for the past two years at this time!  I don’t want to be in the hospital, immobile, or being cared for.  I just want to feel normal and somewhat healthy for a few days.  Please don’t let that be too much to ask for!

I was given the news that I am now on my 4^th line of treatment and there is not much more to pull out of the Oncologist’s goodie bag…..numbing news.   There might be a chance to participate in a trial test, but it’s a drug that’s already been approved in the U.S. and although ‘helpful’ for some, it’s not a miracle drug either.  And what I need is a miracle…..one of Biblical proportions.

It seems the eternal optimist is not so optimistic anymore.

Smiles All Around

Smiles All Around

Generally my trips to the Doctor are not ones that produce smiles.  Discussions of tumor markers, blood counts, nausea, neuropathy, you name it…..are the general topics, but not on Tuesday.  The treatment I am on now has few side effects and my quality of life has improved so much that the day I was to see my Oncologist, I turned on the music and found myself dancing in my home from pure joy.  What a pleasure it was to feel so good!

Having cancer is not always doom and gloom.  Our beautiful sun peaks out from behind the clouds now and then causing us to smile and our feet to just naturally dance.

Things Happen

Things Happen

First, I had my surgery....well, sort of.  Let's just say it was an 'open and close' scenario.  But that's ok.  Life is always about learning to play the hand that you've been dealt as sometimes options are not an option. 

The good news is that I'm back on treatment.  I've had my first treatment and so far...so good.  It's been over two weeks since I had my ascites drained and that's a very good thing!  The treatment is doing what it is supposed to do.  Also, instead of every week, it's once every three weeks so I have a break there.  And, rather than sitting for 3 or 4 hours being 'infused', it's 45 minutes at the most and then I'm on my way home again.  That's also a good thing!

A highlight was that I was able to spend a very pleasant week with my brother Glen on a driving holiday.  We drove from home to Penticton, Kelowna, Nelson, the Kootenays, up into Lake Louise, Alberta and then we backtracked to Prince George where we surprised my cousin Esther and her husband Neil for an overnight visit.  From there we slowly made our way back home.  It was pleasant from beginning to end and I love my brother immensely for taking the time to spend his days with me.  Another tick for the bucket list!

Today

Today

Today is one of those days that I don’t feel really well. I’m not sick like I was in the beginning, but I’m also not as well as I was before it all began.   I just don’t feel good and I wish I did. 

If only I could flip the pages of my story back, back, back, back, back…… so that my cancer was caught early….. then my whole story would’ve changed.   But I guess my cancer was caught late and so my story was going to change anyways.

Enough of that……

Is two paragraphs enough time to moan?  I think maybe it is, so I will tell myself it is a good day and not just a good day, but a wonderful day.   I will tell myself that I feel good and I will feel even better tomorrow and then perhaps I will! 

The Waiting Game

The Waiting Game

They cancelled my surgery and now I just wait

For that much needed call and a brand new date.
I know all the rules, there'll be nothing to eat

I'll be permitted clear fluids, but no food or meat.

I was so stressed before, but now it's a breeze
I know what to expect, I'm relaxed and at ease
My clothing will be placed in a bag with my name
I'll make myself comfy while I'm waiting again.

As this is important I'll be as clear as can be
 Time is on your side, but it isn't for me
So the surgeon I get please choose mine with care
I don't want him to stop if there's still cancer there.

And when I wake up I know there'll be pain
And your eyes will tell me if it's all been in vain
Maybe someday when cancer's lost its control
 We will all look forward to just growing old.

I Could Just Scream!

I Could Just Scream

After all the sleepless nights, worrying yet anticipating the surgery yesterday, what happens?

They CANCEL it!!  I'm told the surgeon is behind, needs more time with the prior patient and so I am

apologized to, then asked to get dressed and go home.....just minutes before I expected to be wheeled into surgery!  You've got to be kidding me!  I just got psyched up for this and now it's over.  I feel numb, bewildered and to put it mildly, upset.  I have to get dressed in a hurry and get out of that little room because I know the tears are 'right there'.

Let's Go!

Now I wait for another appointment.....sigh

Cut It Out

Cut It Out

I've had several surgeries throughout my life and never really gave them a second thought.  Today is different though.  You see, in the past I never had cancer so there was nothing to really stress about.  Now that I do, my fear level is elevated  even though I tell myself that I'm being silly....

Today at 2:10 the surgeon is going to remove as much cancer as he can find and that's a good thing.  I wish he could get it all, but that isn't likely, so I hope he finds and removes even more than he anticipated.  That would be good....not as good as finding out that it's all been a bad dream, but still good.

The rest I will leave up to God, my Father in heaven who loves me unconditionally, knows my fears, never changes and is always there.

I can't imagine where I would be without Him.

Flowers For Grama

                                                            

Flowers For Grama

This glorious day was created for me

The sadness has gone gifting me to be free

it gathered my tears and held them at bay.

My eyes now delight in the joys of today

Cancer Chat

Cancer Chat Day

Well today is cancer chat day.  Once a week I go online and talk to other women that have ovarian cancer. I think it’s supposed to be helpful, therapeutic and a source of information, and often it is.  Other times it is just simply sad when you find yourself carrying the pain of others.

There are women in every stage with some just beginning, others in the middle while a few are nearing the end where they are making major decisions, such as am I sufficiently mobile or well enough to stay at home? Or is it time for me to move into a hospice facility?

I must admit that sometimes I find it depressing.  It feels as though each of is is on death row.  We’re in the appeals process but running out of appeals.   At some point they’re going to say there’s nothing more they can do. You don’t know exactly when that’s going to take place, but you know it’s coming and you're scared it will be sooner than later.

Sometimes it’s hard to smell the roses…..

You Lift Me Up

You Lift Me Up

I stop a moment to see the beauty

In the things you have made

The sun warms my face

and the grass cools my feet

I rest in stillness and breathe,

And as my mind pauses to consider you

My fears are set-aside

For when my heart lifts you up

in quiet thankfulness

awed by the beauty that I see

My spirit is also lifted